Tuesday, September 18, 2018

LIVING LIFE WITH ANXIETY\PANIC ATTACKS

I think back to my much younger days, and I don’t know if it was the time I was riding in the car with my godmother, and bullets started flying randomly left & right outside. I don’t know if it was the time I was so innocently riding my bike up to the corner store, when shots were fired outside all of a sudden. I was just a carefree little girl growing up in the city, playing, and I didn’t know, nor did I understand what was happening at the time. I don’t know if it was the time I fell down in the alley, and got about twenty pieces of glass stuck in both my hands which was excruciating. Even more excruciating, when my mother had to pick out the tiny pieces of glass one by one with tweezers. I don’t know if it was the time I fell off the slide at the playground, my mother catching me right before I hit the concrete. I don’t know if it was the time I bust my chin wide open, and having to get, what felt like to me at the time, a thousand stitches while a group of people had to hold me down in a cold hospital room. I don’t know if it was the time I was being followed in the store by a creepy man. I don’t know if it was the time I rode in a car with friends with a broken car door, riding through the city streets in the wee hours of the morning, in dangerous places. I don’t know if it was the time these girls chased me all the way home in order to fight me, banging on my door relentlessly while I hid in the closet feeling frightened, and alone. I don’t know if it was the time our family car windows were busted out by unknown individual(s). I don’t know if it was the time I found out my father died, thirty days after he actually died. I don’t know if it was the time when my then two year old son, spent 6 days in the ICU near death. I don’t know if it was the time I found out my best friend died, or was it when I found out my mother was sick? I just don’t know where my anxiety/panic attacks began, and I can’t see an end anywhere in sight. Is there a light at the end of this dark tunnel? Well, I can’t see it yet. I’m trapped, and I don’t know exactly what triggers it. It comes, and it goes like a thief in the night. I smile, and hide it because I don’t want to be labeled “crazy”. It’s such a horrible feeling. I can be sitting there laughing, watching tv, at work wherever, or whatever, and it’ll just come over me. It happens mostly when I’m in the car, or out in public places. However, I can say it has gotten a whole lot better than it used to be. Though, it still resides within me. I still don’t have complete control over it. But, I can control it much better now. Now that I know what I’m dealing with. Do you know what it’s like? Do you know how it feels? Do you?

It feels like I’m trapped! Trapped in a very small, and very hot cell, in seclusion. I get so hot that I want to undress, my heart starts racing, and I feel like I’m going to faint. I feel like I’m going to die. Then it’s over, and everything returns back to normal. Only it was always normal. But am I normal? Society says I’m not. Nobody understands. Nobody listens. They want to medicate me, and sweep it under the rug. I say that I am normal. I know that I’m normal. Well, I’m normal as I can be. However, I have traumas that are deeply rooted which I am now forced to deal with. My body is speaking to me, and I have to listen now. I can no longer put off dealing with my problems, traumas, or my feelings. Guess what? I am dealing with it. I am surrounding myself with positive vibes only, doing things that I love, and spending time with the people I love. I’ve picked up some hobbies. But more importantly, I know what needs to be done. I am talking more, and releasing what troubles me, little by little. I am strong. I am brave. I am not ashamed! I can do this! Above ALL else, I’m God’s child, and this battle was given to me for a reason. I can handle it, and I’m going to win. I will not give up on trying to rid my mind completely, of this anxiety warfare. In the meantime, I will keep on living, loving, encouraging, staying positive, and I’ll just keep on being me, no matter what others think. I will feed my mind only good things, and speak my mental healing into existence. 

If you take anything away from this, I hope that you understand me better, and I pray you know that, you are not alone, you are not crazy & you will get through it. Be WELL!!!!

Thanks for taking the time to read my first blog. 🙂
More to come!!