B I T T E R
M A D
B I T T E R
M A D
How could I fix my lips to say that my vote won’t matter? To say that my vote won’t count? How could I have the audacity to not show up to vote? When you suffered a great deal for me and stood tirelessly on the front lines for me. You opened up doors for me. Doors that were locked with deadbolts topped off with chains. You opened up those doors, so that I could walk right through them with more ease. You did it for me. You walked miles and miles for me. You were my voice before I was even reproduced. You took brutal and deep cut throat lashes for me. You were fed to the dogs like it was feeding time, for me. They actually bit into your flesh over, and over again, as if you were dog food. You wept for me. You screamed for me. You took beating after beating for me. You were painfully sprayed with the water hose, in order to keep your fire from burning. A fire that burned so strong within you, that it was enough for you to burn for me too, and you used it as a source of ongoing energy, in order for you to keep fighting for us both. You endured unimaginable pain for me. You spilled all your blood for me. Man, your blood was actually spilled for me. You died for me and this is how I honor you. This is how I repay you. I can hear you rolling over in disappointment in your grave. I can hear your cries, your hurt, and your pain from the grave. It’s haunting me. I might as well spit on your grave. You fought so hard for me right up until your last breathe and I’m allowing your legacy to live in vain. What is wrong with me? How could I be so selfish, so disrespectful, and so inconsiderate? I never stopped to consider what you went through for me. All the risks you took, the sacrifices you made. In fact, you sacrificed your life for me. Your LIFE!! So that I could have the rights that you were so vehemently denied. You were my shield before I even needed to be shielded. I can walk out of my home and go vote freely today because of you. I have a voice because of you. I owe you more than my life. I owe you infinity and beyond. I have to try for you. I have to get up and go for you because you can’t anymore. You did most of the hard work for me. Honestly, you did all of the work. I need for my voice to be heard, not just for me but for you too. I have to speak for you now and keep going for you. FOR US! I owe you everything. I’m going to vote for us. So rest peacefully now my brave, courageous, and beautiful souls. Job well done. I can take over now. We can take over now.
I have a confession to make.
As the woman in this relationship, I demand so much of you, and I want all of your time. I want all of your energy. I expect you to take care of all of my wants, and all of my needs. I expect you to grant my desires, and I expect you do it when I want you to. I expect you to do it how I want you to. Exactly how I need you to. I need you to drop me off at work, pick me up after my shift has ended, and not a minute over. I want you to get me my favorite foods, whenever I have a desire, or a taste for something specific. I want you to ask me how my day was. I need you to give me money for my hair, and my nails. I want you to take me out often. I need you to help me out more around the house. I want you to tell me that you love me frequently because I just want to hear it. I need you to kiss me, and show me some affection. I want you to give me a massage, yes rub my feet. I need you to protect me, and keep me safe from harm. I want you to have sex with me when I want to have sex, and do it exactly how I want it. I want you to stop arguing with me. I need you to provide. I want you to read my mind. I need you to communicate with me. I want you to understand me. I just need you to see where I’m coming from. I want all of your time, your complete, and undivided attention. I need you to give me compliments. I need you to be my peace. You’re the man in this relationship, and these are all the things I know you’re supposed to be doing for ME.
Sis, can the man breathe? Did you ask him if he wanted something to drink at least? Damn! You keep shouting out about your wants and your needs. Did you stop to think? Stop to think about HIM. What about HIM? Do you ever ask HIM if he’s okay? Do you even care? I understand that we look to men to supply all of our wants, and needs. I understand, truly I do. Men are strong yes! Men are the head of our households, yes! We look to them to make the impossible possible everyday for us. We expect them to move mountains, and turn water into wine for us day in, and day out with no breaks in between. We expect them to please us in every way possible which they deliver on all of these things, and more. We see them as invincible, untouchable rocks that never waver. As much as we want them to communicate with us, we must communicate with them. But, we must communicate with them from a different angle. Present them with a different perspective of understanding. We must communicate with them on another level of understanding, with extra love, and extra care. Communicate with them using caution. I use the word “caution” because SIS you know how we usually approach. We approach that man with more attitude than a little. Men are not talkative beings to begin with like we are by nature. However, you have to keep talking to HIM nonetheless. Let him know that HIS wants, and needs matter to YOU, just as much as you expect yours to matter to HIM. We see men as these strong beings who show little to no expression. No feelings. But, HE does have feelings, and he does express them. Though he may not express them in a way that is acceptable to you. Sis, I want you to open up your mind with understanding for a moment. In most households, NOT ALL, boys are raised to be tough, and to have mentalities hard as some candies. To be sensitive is to be weak. To express feelings is a sign of weakness. It’s not that HE doesn’t want to tell you how HE feels. HE doesn’t know how. At least not in a way that will satisfy you. We as women can be hard to please. Sometimes there’s no pleasing us. Imagine him as a little boy, being roughed up at home on a regular basis because he showed a drop of weakness. Imagine HIM still hearing his father’s voice inside his head repeatedly yelling, “MAN UP” “TOUGHEN UP” “STOP THAT CRYING” “CRYING IS FOR PUSSIES”. It’s a hard thing for him to shake, and a even harder pill for us to swallow. We as women are so consumed by what we want, and need from HIM, that we neglect HIS wants, and needs. Sis, go hug HIM, let HIM know that you care, and let HIM know that you are genuinely concerned about HIM. Let HIM know that you support him. Ask HIM if he’s ok often. Keep checking in on HIM. Let HIM know that you are ready to listen whenever HE’S ready to talk. Let HIM know that it’s ok to cry on your shoulders for a change, if HE NEEDS to. Tell HIM that shedding tears is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. Tell HIM that it lets you know that HIS guard is down, and HE is inviting you in which is a great thing. Let HIM know that’s it’s ok not to be ok sometimes. Sis, Men experience sadness just like we do. Men stress like we do, only their stress levels are extremely higher because they carry our stresses along with theirs, and the stresses of the world on their shoulders. Men suffer in silence which is why it’s so important for us as women, to keep the line of communication open indefinitely. Sis, HE needs you to be HIS peace too. Think about it.
WOMEN…THE MOST UNPROTECTED, DISRESPECTED, MISTREATED, ABUSED, and BEAUTIFUL BEINGS AMONG THE LAND OF THE LIVING.
Society I just don’t understand you, and I don’t think I want to. Human beings I don’t understand you and maybe I never will. A woman comes forward and says she’s been raped. A woman comes forward and says she’s being sexually harassed which could very well lead to rape eventually. The first thing you accuse her of is lying and you demand to know why she waited so long to speak up. How dare you have such audacity?!! A woman is saying she was sexually assaulted. The first that you do is criticize and blame her? Never pointing your finger in the right direction. Point your finger at him. Hold him accountable. What you must know and what you must understand is that before a woman can conjure up enough strength to part her lips. Before she is ready to speak her truth, she has already went through unimaginable stages of trauma, fear, shock, and shame. Imagine… A cowardly robust man rips off your clothes, forces himself on top of you, while you repeatedly scream and cry “NO”. He’s touching you in all of your most private, sacred and vulnerable places. Violating you in every way possible. He forces himself so boldly, so roughly inside of you while you’re still screaming “NO” while simultaneously trying to fight him off. I guess the word no is foreign to him. No isn’t good enough for him. He’s winning the fight and you can’t escape. You’re experiencing pain without pleasure. He’s hurting you, so bad. There’s no way out and in reality it’s only been a few moments. However, in your real time, it feels like forever. Your body becomes weak and you succumb to his force. He finishes but it’s far from over. After he rapes you physically, he begins to rape you mentally, and emotionally. He bum rushes your mind, kicks off his shoes, and makes himself feel right at home. He tells you that you deserved it, calls you a “slut”, and he threatens your life. He threatens your family’s lives. He engraves a fear in you so deep, that it frightens the depths of your soul. Then he leaves, but he left his bodily fluids behind, for you to lie in shame. Shame is what you feel. He made you feel ashamed. He made you feel dirty, weak, and disgusting. You want to run and tell. But, you can’t. At least not yet. You’re not ready to tell. So many thoughts are rushing through your mind. You’re broken. You’re scarred. Before you can begin to speak your truth, you have to put yourself back together piece by piece.
Did I paint a good enough picture for you? So after a woman endures this magnitude of trauma, you shut her truth down immediately?! You blame her and not him? She’s the victim! Yet somehow she is to blame. You question why she took so long to speak her truth. Whether it was a week ago, three months ago, one year ago, five years ago, ten years ago, or 20 years ago! A crime was committed. A crime is still a crime and trauma doesn’t have an expiration date. It should never be taken lightly. We live in a world dominated by the Patriarchs. Some happen to be rich Patriarchs, who could care less about protecting the Matriarchs. YES, WE live in a world driven, and dominated by male privilege. God forbid the man is of a high caliber profile with great wealth. He will try to vanish her truth and he will persuade the masses to follow suit. Then again, what’s done in the dark always comes to the light.
Listen to HER.
Seek justice for HER.
Hold HIM Accountable.
No absolutely means NO.
Why do people cheat? Honestly, there’s many reasons why people cheat. There are four main reasons, I believe. Here’s my take…
You’re unhappy with how you’re being treated in the relationship.
You’re constantly feeling neglected by your partner.
You want to have your cake, and eat it too.
You’re not receiving the amount of sexual attention you desire.
BUT, the million dollar question is (drum roll please) Why not just leave the relationship?
Seems like a legit question, and a fair question. However, it can be complicated for many. Married couples have to go through hoops to leave which sometimes involves lawyers, paperwork, and money which the couple might be lacking. Some stay for the children they share together. Some stay because they have low self esteem, and settle because they don’t think they can do any better. Some stay because of the lifestyle that they’re accustomed to living. Some stay because they’re not self sufficient. Some stay because they believe in forgiving, and they believe that people can change.
Some couples are married with, or married without children. Some couple aren’t married at all and may or may not have any children together. But, all of these couples have one thing in common, they’re in committed relationships. At least those are the kinds of couples I have in mind for this particular subject. OK, so where do we begin? Most people need love, attention, and sex yes! They need nthese things on a regular basis. I mean…that comes with the relationship territory, you know. Cheating on someone is such a bold, selfish, and utterly disrespectful act, in my humble opinion. To voluntarily enter a committed relationship, then when things don’t go perfectly as you had planned them to go in your head. Then, cheating becomes your solution. First of all, no relationship is perfect. Every relationship has their ups, downs, good days, and bad days. But cheating is not included in the ups, downs, good days, and bad days in a relationship, again in my humble opinion. Cheating is the ultimate violation of a committed relationship, not to be included in everyday problems. In a relationship, there will be disagreements which may lead to arguments here, and there. One person in the relationship may work long hours which leaves very little room for quality time. One person in the relationship may not want to have sex as much as the other, or they don’t want to try new things in the bedroom. One person in the relationship may not be feeling wanted, loved, or desired like how they were accustomed to in the beginning. One person may not be able to let go of the “player mentality”. They want to be able to keep their main partner while having other options to choose from on the side, from time to time. All of these are excuses, and all of these excuses can be addressed directly with your partner, in order to come to a resolution that will satisfy the both of you. If you’re spouse is working too much for your liking, stop and be thankful he or she is employed first all. Then, set aside a designated day or some designated hours to spend time together. If you’re feeling lonely, and you feel like you’re partner is not giving you enough attention. Then tell them, and let them know how you feel. Compromise, meet your partner half way, and try to work it out. Trust me I understand because it’s so easy to get caught up with someone else who’s paying you more attention than you’re used to getting at home, who’s saying all the right things, who’s giving you better sex, great conversation, who’s so nice to you, and is just treating you like royalty. However, that’s why I always say, “Cheating is a selfish act”, and it’s inconsiderate. It truly is, and it’s very hurtful. All you’re thinking about is YOUR wants, and YOUR needs. You’re enjoying being in the company of someone else who makes you feel a certain type of way. It’s a certain type of feeling that you’re lacking in your relationship. Is it worth it, really? Like the saying goes, “Everything that glitters, ain’t gold”. While you’re laying in bed, conversing, or having sex, and enjoying yourself. You’re simultaneously conjuring up an earthquake of mass destruction. Cheating affects not only your partner. It also affects your children, and your family in general. It will affect your partner mentally, physically, and emotionally. It will destroy your relationship’s most precious necessity, TRUST. Once the trust is destroyed, the relationship can easily be broken. Think before you cheat, and exhaust all other options. Most importantly, keep the line of communication open. Be Well:)
Living Life with Anxiety/Panic Attacks PART 2
I just woke up, and the first thing I can see, is how the sun is shining so bright through my blinds. It’s so beautiful outside, and I can hear the birds singing so beautifully. I’m just laying in my bed, thinking about all the things I want to do today. I want to visit my mom, go grocery shopping, go to the mall, and go get my nails done. But breakfast first of course! After I finished eating my breakfast, I hop in the shower, start singing, lol acting a fool, thinking about all the things I’m about to do, and then I get out. I dry off, and go to my room to get all dressed up. But I start feeling hot, like clammy really, my stomach is turning, my legs feel weak, and I feel like I’m gonna lose my balance. I just feel like something is coming over me, and I feel sick or something. I sit down on the bed because I don’t know what’s happening to me. Then, it passes, and I resume where I left off. Finally, I’m all dressed, and ready to head out. So, I start to think about all the bad things that could happen, and that could happen TO ME once I step foot outside my home which is my comfort zone. What if someone follows me, follows my car, and tries to kill me while I’m in the store? What if I crash? So many different negative scenarios are running fast through my mind right now all at once, and I feel like my head is spinning. Then, I start to feel hot & clammy again, my heart starts racing, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m scared, and it’s fight or flight. Well at least that’s what mode my body’s in. I feel like I’m going to die, and I’m crying now. I’m crying because I just want it to stop, and I want to feel normal again. It’s too much for me to handle. So, I get back in the bed to collect myself. Only I end up staying there for most of the day never getting anything accomplished. But, I feel safe in my bed, and it’s my hiding space. A safe haven for me. I feel like nobody will bother me there, and no one will ever find me there. It’s my safe space, yet it’s my loneliest space. My most vulnerable space. Nobody understands me, and they all think I’m crazy. They all tell me to just get over it, not to let it hinder me, pray, do this, and do that. I promise you it’s so much easier said than done. I feel like I’m confined to a tiny prison cell, and they threw the key away. I can’t get out. But, I want to get out. How do I get out?
I just invited you into my mind, and my thought process. The mind of an individual who suffers with anxiety/panic attacks. I must say though, I’ve come a very long way because my anxiety/panic attacks are no where near what they used to be, and I’m so damn proud of myself for getting this far!! Before we go deeper, if you just started reading my blog at this point, go back and read my very first blog. Now, let’s go a little deeper. Usually when it’s first diagnosed, other illnesses have been ruled out. I thought I was really sick, and I didn’t understand what I was going through. That was my case. The biggest struggle with this is people. Sometimes they might be your friends, or your family members. Many people in general don’t understand it. They don’t want to understand it, and they can be quite insensitive. The next biggest struggle is the symptoms, clammy skin, rapid heartbeat, heavy breathing, or feeling like you can’t breathe at all, dizziness, weakness, shakiness, nervousness, feeling extremely anxious, and feeling like you’re about to pass out. Just feeling like you’re always in imminent danger when in fact, you aren’t in any danger. But your body goes into panic mode because of your thoughts which is scary enough in itself. Sure most people say, “Change the way you think”. It sounds so easy right? But, it’s not at all. Anxiety/Panic Attacks feeds off of fear, and it needs it to survive within you like how a fish needs water. It smells your fear, and then it attacks you. It attacks your mind which then signals your body to react. Fight or Flight. In order to heal you have to get to the root of the problem. What do you fear? Why do you fear? What are you soooo afraid of? You’ll have to dig deeper into your past maybe in order to find out what could be triggering your fear which is now triggering your anxiety/panic attacks, and now affecting your body. Then, you can begin to heal.
If you’re reading this and you suffer from anxiety/panic attacks, you are not alone. You are not crazy. Do not be ashamed to seek help, or take meds if you really need to. Pick up a hobby or two. Find something that makes you happy, and do that! Read a book. Talk about your anxiety, write about it, join a support group, surround yourself with supportive individuals. Seek counseling. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. You can get through this. But it’s hard work. But just like with anything else, you must put in the work. Don’t give in, and Don’t give up. I didn’t even want to share this with anyone. But maybe I can help someone by sharing my story. I’m doing so much better because of my support system, through my research, long talks with God, long talks with people who understand me, and doing this blog has truly been therapeutic for me. But more importantly because I wanted to be better, and I am determined to not let this defeat me. I refuse to let it have control over me anymore. I am stronger than this. If you are reading this, and you do not suffer from anxiety, please be kind to others who do suffer with this. Learn about it first before you judge. Listen with the intent to understand, and show support especially if it’s your loved ones. Do not call it crazy or any other offensive names. BE WELL! 🙂
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
‼️WARNING ADULT CONTENT AHEAD‼️
Is watching Porn so Taboo? I mean personally, I like watching Porn for so many reasons. I like it because it gets me hot, and bothered. I like it because it’s interesting, you know with all the different ethnicities. Everyone has sex so differently, and it intrigues me. I like it because there’s so MANY different categories to choose from!!! Look up Apetube, they must have a million categories on there ranging from CUM INSTRUCTION EATER, FACE SITTING, CREAMPIE, CUCKHOLD, to ALL HOLES just to name a few LOL. You name it, and I guarantee you it’s on this website. Whatever you’re into, it’s on there!! Anyways, I like watching Porn because you can learn how to spice things up in your bedroom even more than it already is. Whether it’s a new position you picked up, and want to try it out, or you just wanna try something totally, and completely out of the realm of things, that you’re used to doing. Like maybe you never rode your man’s tongue before, and maybe he never tongue fucked you before, for example. As a matter of fact you should try this, LADIES sit on his face, and FELLAS enter her with your tongue. Ladies then commence to grinding, and riding his tongue nice, and gently. The trick is you need to ride it just like how you ride his dick but only it’ll feel 10 times better than the feeling you get from riding him!! Explosion ahead. FELLAS, and you can try fucking her mouth, with caution of course because nobody needs to go to the ER LOL. Tell her to open wide, gently enter her mouth as far as she wants you to go, then commence to gently stroking, or maybe mildly rough strokes in and out of her mouth. OR why don’t you both try laying on top of each other naked, chest to chest, stomach to stomach, dick to pussy, and pussy to dick. Both of your naked bodies grinding sensually up against the other’s most sacred places. As he slowly rubs up, down, around, and in between your lips, his tip keeps hitting your clit, as he takes nice & sensual strokes up and down. He keeps rubbing up against your entry point but never entering. A HUGE explosion ahead. Oh back to why I like watching Porn lol, I like it because it stimulates my mind as well as my body. Porn is not taboo…well not for me. Not in my humble opinion. It affects your body in the same way, the actual act of sex does. What stimulates the mind also stimulates the body, as the transfer of signals occur. Then, the HORNY feeling is born. Porn excites you, relaxes you and gives you pleasure. Who doesn’t like being pleasured? I understand some people are practicing abstinence, and yet they probably still THINK about pleasure often. Porn is not taboo. If you’re in a committed relationship, and you like to watch porn. It’s not cheating, and there is nothing wrong with it. Watch it, and watch it together! If you’re having sex of any kind, you’re participating in Porn. The only difference is, you’re just not in front of camera recording it for the world to see. Maybe you are. It’s OK either way.