The truth is,
At times, I don’t have it all together, and sometimes I’m not ok. Though I try to be, and I want to be all the time. I want to be this happy go lucky, and super POSITIVE person all the time. But the truth of the matter is that, I am not because I’m only human. A human who falls short at times. Lots of times. A human who’s far from perfect, with many flaws actually. I can be very disorganized at times, and even messy. I don’t have perfect hair, and I struggle to find things to do with it which makes me want to shave it all off like Amber Rose. Hmmm…should I lol? I don’t have perfect skin, and I want to continuously cover it up with makeup. I don’t have a perfect body, or perfect anything. I wonder what it’s like to be able to fit into a size 6. I know I’m not built like that though. But sometimes I wish I was built like that, and I wish I was perfect. But what fun would that be right?! Sometimes I cry when I become too overwhelmed. It’s just wayyy too much at times. Sometimes I can be a bitch when I don’t get my way (that only child syndrome is hard to shake lol even in adulthood) or sometimes I wake up acting bitchy just because. No reason at all. Sometimes I don’t feel like sharing, or giving period. Sometimes I’m not happy, and I don’t feel like smiling. Sometimes I want to be alone. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I let people get to me. Sometimes I get depresssed when I’m alone with too many thoughts. Especially because I tend to overthink often. Sometimes I overeat when I know I shouldn’t. I eat things that I know are bad for me. Food is just so damn good! Why is food so good?!! Sometimes I don’t feel like going to work, and I want to quit. Sometimes I’d rather be a stripper, or a porn star because it surely would bring in fast money. Sometimes I cut people off too soon, meaning they might do something minor that I don’t like. Then, I stop speaking to them all together. But after I’ve thought it through, I try to reconnect again. However, I have cut many people off who most certainly deserved it, and I don’t regret it one bit. I have a difficult time trusting people. Sometimes I just want to be lazy, and do absolutely nothing. Sometimes I don’t want to be productive. Sometimes I want to argue. Sometimes I don’t want to talk at all, or at times I talk too much, and sometimes I can be mean. Sometimes I don’t feel like cooking. Sometimes I wish I could go to an island alone with no phone, and no computer. Just me and nature. Sometimes I wish I was invisible so I could scare the shit out of people lol. Sometimes I feel misunderstood, and judged. Sometimes I want to walk around naked all day everyday because I don’t really like clothes, and I don’t like socks either. But, I’m forced to wear them lol. I don’t want to get arrested, or anything just because I want to be BUTTER BALL. Sometimes I want to haul off, and smack certain people. Well, I probably could but it isn’t worth it. Well that is, unless you come for my children. Sometimes I don’t think I can do it. Sometimes I want to lay in the bed all day. Sometimes I don’t feel strong, and I don’t have willpower. Sometimes I feel weak. Sometimes I want to give up. But I don’t. I wrote all that to write this…
I am not perfect, nor have I ever been. I have my down days just like everyone else. I’m not always ok, and that’s ok. I realize now that it’s ok. I don’t have to be ok, and I don’t need to be. It doesn’t make me weak. It actually makes me stronger. Stronger because I can admit my wrongs, and I take full responsibility. I take full accountability for my shit, and I own it! I can look in the mirror, and accept my flaws. I can embrace them, and I can love them. There are so many people walking around out here in the world, wearing facades. They refuse to acknowledge their toxic behaviors. I can look in the mirror, and I can acknowledge my problems. Then begin to fix them, and I don’t play the blame game, nor do I play the victim card, for neither suits me well at all. I can only try to be a better version of myself than I was yesterday. I just need to be me, and I need to be real. I need to be honest. None of us are perfect. If you disagree, then please can you introduce me to a person who’s perfect? I want to breathe the same air they breathe. I want to meet them, kiss them, and hug them even. I want to touch them so I’ll know that, they’re real. Clearly, it’ll be a Guinness book of world records type of deal. I need to have long dialogues with them for sure!
All of us have room to improve. Life in general is forever changing. Even at 36 years young, I’m still growing, and evolving. I’m still a work in progress, and there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. It’s ok to not be ok sometimes, and you don’t need to be perfect.