Living Life with Anxiety/Panic Attacks PART 2
I just woke up, and the first thing I can see, is how the sun is shining so bright through my blinds. It’s so beautiful outside, and I can hear the birds singing so beautifully. I’m just laying in my bed, thinking about all the things I want to do today. I want to visit my mom, go grocery shopping, go to the mall, and go get my nails done. But breakfast first of course! After I finished eating my breakfast, I hop in the shower, start singing, lol acting a fool, thinking about all the things I’m about to do, and then I get out. I dry off, and go to my room to get all dressed up. But I start feeling hot, like clammy really, my stomach is turning, my legs feel weak, and I feel like I’m gonna lose my balance. I just feel like something is coming over me, and I feel sick or something. I sit down on the bed because I don’t know what’s happening to me. Then, it passes, and I resume where I left off. Finally, I’m all dressed, and ready to head out. So, I start to think about all the bad things that could happen, and that could happen TO ME once I step foot outside my home which is my comfort zone. What if someone follows me, follows my car, and tries to kill me while I’m in the store? What if I crash? So many different negative scenarios are running fast through my mind right now all at once, and I feel like my head is spinning. Then, I start to feel hot & clammy again, my heart starts racing, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m scared, and it’s fight or flight. Well at least that’s what mode my body’s in. I feel like I’m going to die, and I’m crying now. I’m crying because I just want it to stop, and I want to feel normal again. It’s too much for me to handle. So, I get back in the bed to collect myself. Only I end up staying there for most of the day never getting anything accomplished. But, I feel safe in my bed, and it’s my hiding space. A safe haven for me. I feel like nobody will bother me there, and no one will ever find me there. It’s my safe space, yet it’s my loneliest space. My most vulnerable space. Nobody understands me, and they all think I’m crazy. They all tell me to just get over it, not to let it hinder me, pray, do this, and do that. I promise you it’s so much easier said than done. I feel like I’m confined to a tiny prison cell, and they threw the key away. I can’t get out. But, I want to get out. How do I get out?
I just invited you into my mind, and my thought process. The mind of an individual who suffers with anxiety/panic attacks. I must say though, I’ve come a very long way because my anxiety/panic attacks are no where near what they used to be, and I’m so damn proud of myself for getting this far!! Before we go deeper, if you just started reading my blog at this point, go back and read my very first blog. Now, let’s go a little deeper. Usually when it’s first diagnosed, other illnesses have been ruled out. I thought I was really sick, and I didn’t understand what I was going through. That was my case. The biggest struggle with this is people. Sometimes they might be your friends, or your family members. Many people in general don’t understand it. They don’t want to understand it, and they can be quite insensitive. The next biggest struggle is the symptoms, clammy skin, rapid heartbeat, heavy breathing, or feeling like you can’t breathe at all, dizziness, weakness, shakiness, nervousness, feeling extremely anxious, and feeling like you’re about to pass out. Just feeling like you’re always in imminent danger when in fact, you aren’t in any danger. But your body goes into panic mode because of your thoughts which is scary enough in itself. Sure most people say, “Change the way you think”. It sounds so easy right? But, it’s not at all. Anxiety/Panic Attacks feeds off of fear, and it needs it to survive within you like how a fish needs water. It smells your fear, and then it attacks you. It attacks your mind which then signals your body to react. Fight or Flight. In order to heal you have to get to the root of the problem. What do you fear? Why do you fear? What are you soooo afraid of? You’ll have to dig deeper into your past maybe in order to find out what could be triggering your fear which is now triggering your anxiety/panic attacks, and now affecting your body. Then, you can begin to heal.
If you’re reading this and you suffer from anxiety/panic attacks, you are not alone. You are not crazy. Do not be ashamed to seek help, or take meds if you really need to. Pick up a hobby or two. Find something that makes you happy, and do that! Read a book. Talk about your anxiety, write about it, join a support group, surround yourself with supportive individuals. Seek counseling. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. You can get through this. But it’s hard work. But just like with anything else, you must put in the work. Don’t give in, and Don’t give up. I didn’t even want to share this with anyone. But maybe I can help someone by sharing my story. I’m doing so much better because of my support system, through my research, long talks with God, long talks with people who understand me, and doing this blog has truly been therapeutic for me. But more importantly because I wanted to be better, and I am determined to not let this defeat me. I refuse to let it have control over me anymore. I am stronger than this. If you are reading this, and you do not suffer from anxiety, please be kind to others who do suffer with this. Learn about it first before you judge. Listen with the intent to understand, and show support especially if it’s your loved ones. Do not call it crazy or any other offensive names. BE WELL! 🙂