Loving Myself

5D4B897C-E19C-4B3B-8C68-E42AA7E2E906There is no greater love! SELF LOVE…It is truly the most amazing feeling, and the most amazing love that I have ever felt. It’s the best love that I have ever felt. It’s the most authentic love that I have ever experienced. It’s the truest form of love. A love that I never even knew existed. But, this love certainly did not come easy for me. I had to fight my way through. I went round for round which I lost many times. I had to have my heart ripped out, and handed back to me on several occasions. I had to be disrespected, lied to on countless occasions, degraded, cheated on, mistreated, and I had to endure verbal abuse. I had to cry until there were no more tears left to cry. I had to hit rock bottom. Rock bottom! Have you ever hit rock bottom before? Have you ever been, or felt so down in the dumps before, that all you could see was darkness at the end of the tunnel? Well, I have. There I was in a empty closet, the love of my life had just left me. My world seemed to be over because the relationship had consumed me. My life revolved around him. At least I thought he was the love of my life, though he wasn’t very nice to me. He mistreated me badly. But, I still wanted to be with him. How stupid of me right? I know now that he shouldn’t have been the love of my life, and I know now that he didn’t love me. That was no where near love. He made me feel like shit, and even pushed me down once. But back then, my self esteem, self confidence, and my self love was at an all time low. I mean, it was at the bottom of a rusty barrel somewhere. That particular relationship that I was in, was tumultuous, and was also a turning point for me. So, I finally got up, and out of the closet. I went to the bathroom, and looked in the mirror. I saw a image that I knew I never ever wanted to see again. A image of a broken woman, that’s been embedded into my head as a constant reminder, that I need to love myself, and I have to love myself. It’s a necessity in my life. I discovered Self Love after that. I felt so bad, and I knew that I never wanted to feel hurt like that again. I started to realize that it had to be something within me, something that kept attracting people who weren’t so good for me. I knew for certain that I had to do things differently, if I wanted different. “Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes”. That’s exactly what I did. I changed it up. I went from being sad, feeling defeated, to feeling mad! I was so angry with myself, and I couldn’t believe that I allowed someone to hurt me like that. Yes, I allowed it. I allowed it over, and over again. I didn’t know, or care to know my worth at that time. But, I would soon realize it after that. It took some time of course to build up my self esteem. Lots of time. But, I finally got to a great place in my life. Today, I can proudly say, and with assurance, that I love the shit out of myself! My self esteem, my self care, and my confidence, is now at an all time high! I’m so much stronger now, and better now. I will never allow anyone to treat me in a way, that I wouldn’t even treat myself. I will never allow anyone to disrespect me ever again because I will never disrespect myself. I know my worth, and I will never settle. I’m my biggest fan, and no I’m not cocky. There is a huge misconception when it comes to Self Love vs Cockiness. It’s totally different. Self Love is a necessity, it’s healthy, and it feels great. It will also help you when it comes to dealing with other people, and their treatment of you throughout life. Cockiness is just a facade that people hide behind, who in all actuality, don’t really love themselves in my humble opinion. They’re trying to fool themselves. A fake form of Self Love to just put it lightly. 

If you haven’t discovered Self Love yet, please start your journey today. But only if, and when you’re ready to. I’m just so in love with myself, and I want that for you ALL too! It will help you to better recognize how you should be loved by others. It will benefit you in so many great ways! 

 

Be Well! 🙂

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Miss America

 

“Make America Great Again”

When was America ever GREAT?

America will be GREAT, when we learn to come together as one, and when we learn to put all of our differences aside, for the greater good. America will be GREAT, when we learn to have just as much respect for the man who picks up our trash every week, as we do for the CEO who runs a fortune 500 company. America will be GREAT, when we learn the difference between what’s right, and what’s wrong. America will be GREAT, when we stop killing one another. America will be GREAT, when we acknowledge that police brutality is wrong, and unjust. America will be GREAT, when women receive equal pay in the workplace. America will be GREAT, when equality exists for everyone period. America will be GREAT, when we stop tearing each other down. America will be GREAT, when terrorism, and school shootings ceases to exist. America will be GREAT, when we learn to love one another without judgement. America will be GREAT, when we learn to support, and help one another, without always expecting something in return. America will be GREAT, when the justice system is no longer unfairly rigged. America will be GREAT, when racism is ashes to ashes, and dust to dust. America will be GREAT, when unemployment ends. America will be GREAT, when homelessness is a thing of the past. America will be GREAT, when people stop turning a blind eye, to important issues that need major attention. America will be GREAT, when America gets her damn  priorities straight, and in order. 

 

 

 

Dear Society

 

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 Dear Society,

I look in the mirror, and I see a body that you deem unacceptable. I see stretch marks that you feel are unattractive. I see a stomach that’s not flat enough for you, it’s flabby mostly. I see breasts that aren’t perky, and up to your par. I see skin that isn’t smooth enough to your liking. I don’t see a snatched waist, or a perfect butt. I don’t see an hour glass figure. I see weight gain in all the wrong places just to be frank. I just don’t see a perfect body, like the one you want me to have. I’ve worn a variety of waist trainers, coming too close to smothering my organs for you, and creating preventable health problems for myself. I’ve tried countless diets for you, nearly starving myself half to death, and pushed myself to the max during brutal workouts which at one point you told me that I had lost too much weight. I was just trying to live up to your false expectations, and I was trying to please you. Even though pleasing you, is not humanly possible which I would later find out. I’ve even considered plastic surgery for you. But, I’m too afraid to go under the knife. There has to be a better way to obtain a perfect body right? No, not in your eyes. You like fast, and unsavory results. You continuously, and relentlessly dangle all these fraudulent images of these beautiful women in front of my face, who are built like Barbie. Well, you must be daydreaming in Barbie’s dream house, if you think I’m ever going to look like that. They have tiny waists, nice butts, perky large breasts, flawless skin, and flat stomachs, that sometimes come with abs. You told me that I need to look like them, in order for me to be accepted. In order to be considered beautiful, or sexy. But, it’s hard for me. You just don’t understand, and I’m not like them. Well, I used to be like them once upon a time, believe it or not. You would’ve loved my body, and accepted my body before I had kids, and before I grew older. Unfortunately, kids can change your body’s appearance, and if you keep on living, life in general can also change your physical appearance. I see a body in the mirror that’s been altered by kids, that’s been altered just by living life, and no matter how many times I try to put it back together. It’ll never be perfect, and it’ll never be quite the same. Why am I trying to please you? Why am I trying to be perfect? You keep trying to persuade me to do things to my body that aren’t good for it. Then if I do it, you’ll just find other reasons to body shame me. You’ll continue to find ways to make fun of me, and to make me feel like I can’t ever be ok with my body. If  I lose weight, you’ll say that I’m too skinny, and that I look sick. If I gain weight, you’ll call me fat, greedy, and ugly. I don’t know what’ll make you happy, and I don’t know if you’ll ever be happy with me. You love picking me apart, and you enjoy putting me down. You keep telling me what, and who I should look like. What I need to look like!! What gives you, and all of your disciples the right to shame me for my imperfections? Shame on you, and it’s never shame on me! You had me for a moment though. I have to be honest. You attempted to brainwash me into your reckless way of thinking! What an epic fail on your part. You actually had me considering changing my looks just to suit you. I know that some of the images of the women you’ve presented to me, have gotten those “perfect bodies” by working out. However, others have opted out, choosing to get plastic surgery instead. But, don’t ever make me feel like shit because I don’t look like those women! I’m not those women. I’m my own woman, and my body is fine just the way it is! What kind of examples are you setting for little girls? For women period?!!! Just because my body doesn’t fit into your ignorant vision of a perfect design, does not make my body less than beautiful! It does not give you the right to body shame me. I’m supposed to be comfortable in my own skin. I’m supposed to have flaws, so that I know I’m real! I was NEVER, in no way, shape, or form made to be a perfect being with the perfect body. I was made to be a real human being with a real body. I’m supposed to love me, and love my body. My body will never be perfect, and it’s ok. I’m happy with me! You don’t have to be happy with me! You don’t have to embrace it. You don’t even have to like it, nor do you have to love it. I do!! I have to love it, and I do love it! I love the shit out of my body!!! I love the shit out of me!! 

 

Sincerely,

Real Bodies Matter

 

 

A Quick Message

My very first blog post was very personal to me, and I revealed a battle (Anxiety/Panic Attacks) that I’ve been fighting for quite some time behind closed doors. Before I shared it, I thought to myself, “Linnea, you’re revealing your weakness to the world. You’re revealing a sacred secret. Are you sure you want to do this?” I knew that I needed to, and not just for me. But for others out there, who are fighting the same battle, or any battle. I needed you to know that you’re never alone. I needed you to know that it’s ok to talk about it, and that it’s ok to seek help. It’s also ok to not be ok. I needed you to know that it doesn’t define you, and it doesn’t make you weak, or vulnerable. It actually shows just how strong you really are. Strong enough to admit your truth, and to walk in your truth. To own your truth. Do you know how many people are walking around right now at this very moment? Who are in denial, and are refusing to deal with their own shit?? They refuse to deal with the man/woman in the mirror. To acknowledge that you have a problem, and to come to the realization, that you need some help is a huge step in the right direction. So many people keep things bottled up inside until they explode which is not good at all. It’s unhealthy actually. Then after you explode, people want to reach out, and help. They want to take you seriously finally, of course. I understand that we live in a cruel world, where people are quick to shame you, ridicule you, bully you, criticize you, make fun of you, and kick you while you’re down among many other harsh things. A harsh reality it is, yes. But regardless, you have to stand strong in your truth, and remain sturdy. You have to seek the necessary help, and it’s ok. Again, it really is ok to not be ok. However, you can fight this, and you can win. Go, and gather your army first because you will need a rock hard support system. It’s important that you surround yourself with positive, supportive, patient, and understanding people. Then get ready for war. It’s mind over matter. You can win!!!

 

Be Well! 🙂

 

You Have To Let Go

Life is hard as we all know. In life, you will go through many stages. Stages of life which are truly necessary for your growth. Throughout life you will grow, you will evolve into a more seasoned being, you will change, and you’re not going to be the same person you were in the past. The past is what molds you, shapes you, grooms you, for a much more mature version of yourself. But that’s how it’s supposed to be which is why it’s hard for me to understand 5BB7ED4A-7FBB-4808-B9DC-2A68616AF516why some people refuse to let go of the past. The past is just that. 

When I was younger, between the ages of 14-17, I was boy crazy, and I didn’t make the best decisions. I got ok grades in school but, I didn’t take it as seriously like I should have taken it. I was too busy being worried about the wrong things. Sex, boys, and hanging out having fun. My life was like an ongoing party, that lasted all night long, and was never ending. I was just young, dumb, and immature like most teens. I was hardheaded, attitudinal, and I didn’t listen to my mother most of the time, again like most teens. I was looking to fit in even though I felt like I never did. I was just your average teenager trying to maneuver my way through the complexities of life. Today I’m 36, and I am totally different. My mentality is different. My outlook on life is different. My attitude is different. My goals, and priorities have changed tremendously. I’m a mother now, so my view of the world is quite different, as I allow myself to view it through my children’s lenses. My life is so much different in a great way! All the things that I’ve gone through in my past, were most certainly necessary in order for me to become the person I am today. I needed to experience those things, and go through certain things. But, I didn’t work this hard to become the person I am today, for someone to attempt, a failed attempt at that, to drag me back into the past. To keep bringing up my past specifically, simply because they are complacent, and have no desire to let go of the past. Simply because they refuse to grow up. Simply because they’re miserable, and crave a company that I can never keep. No not today, or any day as a matter of fact. You have to let go of the past, and let yourself bloom. Letting go is hard, and I understand that. But if you want to change, if you want to begin your evolution, you must climb out of the past, and move on to the next stage of your life. Allow yourself to move on to the next stage of life. If you can’t do that, then at least let other people go, and release them from their past because it’s only going to hinder you. Unfortunately, none of us possesss the powers to travel back in time. So what good does it do, to keep holding on to it? To keep living in it? You can’t keep using it like it’s your crutch. At some point, you’re going to have to just let go. You are going to have to grow up. Let go, for the past can be a heavy burden to carry. 

 

Be Well! 😉

Positivity NOT SO MUCH!

 Negativity sells. Sex sells. But positivity not so much. Why is that? We live in a world where people complain about negativity, yet they feed off of it, AND they feed into it. It’s attractive, and it arouses them. We live in a world where people keep saying they don’t want to be surrounded with negative people, but they surround themselves with negative people. We live in a world where SOME celebrities will reply to the negative comments before they’ll reply to the positive ones. It’s like negativity is something like an adrenaline rush. We live in a world where the less you wear, the more likes you’ll get. If I were to post a pic of myself fully clothed, the likes would probably be incomparable to the likes I’d receive, if I had posted one wearing less clothes. We live in a world where people preach about encouragement, and uplifting. But, will turn right around, and be the main ones tearing others down. The same people who keep yelling about how they’re living in drama free, and negative free zones, are actually living in zones filled with drama, and heavily drenched in negativity. If I were to confess my love for my partner on social media, it wouldn’t get nearly as many likes, if I had posted about us having problems, OR if I would have posted about wanting to have sex with him. We live in a world where people are so drawn to negativity, to sex, and are driven away from positivity. We live in a world where people will click on a fight video, or a twerk video before they’ll click on a inspirational one. People are so addicted to whatever’s messy, and the more messy the merrier. Then, the very same people will complain about the storms they keep encountering on their journeys throughout life. “We are what we eat” is how the saying goes right? So, if you continue feeding your minds with negativity, you will be stuck in an ongoing storm, that will never let up. When you continue feeding your minds with negativity, you might as well lay out a welcome home mat, open up the door for negativity to roam freely, and indefinitely within you. As far as sex goes, well..sex will always sell. But, will you sell out for sex? I hope you have much more to bring to the table than sex because it will only get you so far before you hit a dead end. But you don’t hear me though. Negativity sells. Sex sells. Positivity not so much. 

My TRUTH

The truth is,

At times, I don’t have it all together, and sometimes I’m not ok. Though I try to be, and I want to be all the time. I want to be this happy go lucky, and super POSITIVE person all the time. But the truth of the matter is that, I am not because I’m only human. A human who falls short at times. Lots of times. A human who’s far from perfect, with many flaws actually. I can be very disorganized at times, and even messy. I don’t have perfect hair, and I struggle to find things to do with it which makes me want to shave it all off like Amber Rose. Hmmm…should I lol? I don’t have perfect skin, and I want to continuously cover it up with makeup. I don’t have a perfect body, or perfect anything. I wonder what it’s like to be able to fit into a size 6. I know I’m not built like that though. But sometimes I wish I was built like that, and I wish I was perfect. But what fun would that be right?! Sometimes I cry when I become too overwhelmed. It’s just wayyy too much at times. Sometimes I can be a bitch when I don’t get my way (that only child syndrome is hard to shake lol even in adulthood) or sometimes I wake up acting bitchy just because. No reason at all. Sometimes I don’t feel like sharing, or giving period. Sometimes I’m not happy, and I don’t feel like smiling. Sometimes I want to be alone. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I let people get to me. Sometimes I get depresssed when I’m alone with too many thoughts. Especially because I tend to overthink often. Sometimes I overeat when I know I shouldn’t. I eat things that I know are bad for me. Food is just so damn good! Why is food so good?!! Sometimes I don’t feel like going to work, and I want to quit. Sometimes I’d rather be a stripper, or a porn star because it surely would bring in fast money. Sometimes I  cut people off too soon, meaning they might do something minor that I don’t like. Then, I stop speaking to them all together. But after I’ve thought it through, I try to reconnect again. However, I have cut many people off who most certainly deserved it, and I don’t regret it one bit. I have a difficult time trusting people. Sometimes I just want to be lazy, and do absolutely nothing. Sometimes I don’t want to be productive. Sometimes I want to argue. Sometimes I don’t want to talk at all, or at times I talk too much, and sometimes I can be mean. Sometimes I don’t feel like cooking. Sometimes I wish I could go to an island alone with no phone, and no computer. Just me and nature. Sometimes I wish I was invisible so I could scare the shit out of people lol. Sometimes I feel misunderstood, and judged. Sometimes I want to walk around naked all day everyday because I don’t really like clothes, and I don’t like socks either. But, I’m forced to wear them lol. I don’t want to get arrested, or anything just because I want to be BUTTER BALL. Sometimes I want to haul off, and smack certain people. Well, I probably could but it isn’t worth it. Well that is, unless you come for my children. Sometimes I don’t think I can do it. Sometimes I want to lay in the bed all day. Sometimes I don’t feel strong, and I don’t have willpower. Sometimes I feel weak. Sometimes I want to give up. But I don’t. I wrote all that to write this…

I am not perfect, nor have I ever been. I have my down days just like everyone else. I’m not always ok, and that’s ok. I realize now that it’s ok. I don’t have to be ok, and I don’t need to be. It doesn’t make me weak. It actually makes me stronger. Stronger because I can admit my wrongs, and I take full responsibility. I take full accountability for my shit, and I own it! I can look in the mirror, and accept my flaws. I can embrace them, and I can love them. There are so many people walking around out here in the world, wearing facades. They refuse to acknowledge their toxic behaviors. I can look in the mirror, and I can acknowledge my problems. Then begin to fix them, and I don’t play the blame game, nor do I play the victim card, for neither suits me well at all. I can only try to be a better version of myself than I was yesterday. I just need to be me, and I need to be real. I need to be honest. None of us are perfect. If you disagree, then please can you introduce me to a person who’s perfect? I want to breathe the same air they breathe. I want to meet them, kiss them, and hug them even. I want to touch them so I’ll know that, they’re real. Clearly, it’ll be a Guinness book of world records type of deal. I need to have long dialogues with them for sure!

All of us have room to improve. Life in general is forever changing. Even at 36 years young, I’m still growing, and evolving. I’m still a work in progress, and there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. It’s ok to not be ok sometimes, and you don’t need to be perfect. 

BE WELL!